Monday, December 25, 2006
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
I am very disappointed to say that the instructions tell me to "Keep basket away from running or standing water."
HELLO! It's a MOSES basket! Do they not know the story?
Monday, December 11, 2006
"DO NOT EAT PRODUCT WITHOUT COOKING."
Who does that?! Here, honey, suck on a frozen piece of chicken breast!
And "CAUTION: PRODUCT AND PACKAGING WILL BE HOT!"
Well no kidding, I just took it out of the HOT microwave!
I'm sad because I know there really are some people in the world that are THAT DUMB.
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
"A purchased song sounds bad.
If a specific song purchased from the iTunes Store sounds bad, please follow the steps below to submit the problem directly to Apple. Hip-Hop lovers: Make sure your song is not a "chopped and screwed" version. If there is an issue at a certain point in the song, to expedite your request, please tell us the time code where the problem appears."
I'm thankful they had the link to Wikipedia for the definition!
"Chopped and screwed (also known as screwed and chopped, slowed and throwed, Houston music, H-Town music, screw music, and screw) all refer to a technique of remixing hip hop music by slowing the tempo and applying various DJ techniques such as skipping beats, record scratching, stop-time, and sending portions of the music through stand-alone effects to make a "chopped-up" version of the original."
It did make me laugh that they had to put the Hip Hop disclaimer in their "song sounds bad" troubleshooting section.
Monday, December 04, 2006
When you're 8 months pregnant, the idea of dealing with hordes of people at the mall, or just walking through the mall is enough to make you crazy. So this year I've resorted to a lot of gift cards and online shopping.
Today, I received one of the many things I've ordered. Inside the box that contained the goods I ordered was a catalog, and inside the catalog was a slip of paper that held this customer service information.
"UPS Claims and Lost Packages:
If your package is lost in transit, please call us and we will track your package for you. If the package cannot be found, we can file a claim for the cost of the contents and send you a replacement."
I'm pretty sure that if my package were to be lost in transit, that helpful little slip of paper would have been lost right along with it.
Thursday, November 30, 2006
Mount, dismount, and change position on the ball slowly. Due to the round shape of the ball, it could roll out from under the user and cause injury.
Dangit...I expected this ball to be stationary at all times! I DEMAND A REFUND!
Thursday, November 02, 2006
I can't decide which is better, the fact that the 99 cent store sells condoms, or the fact that they were in the impulse aisle.
Nothing says impulsive like buying condoms from the 99 cent store!!!
Sunday, October 01, 2006
Monday, September 18, 2006
$17.99 for 20 stamps is nearly 90 cents per stamp! If you want to spend extra money on postage, why not buy the breast cancer stamps or another fundraising stamp where the extra cash goes toward a good cause?
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
and I finished his sentence off in my head, "...not require the use of the stovetop."
Nope. Glad I let him finish, because what he said next cracked me up. "...require the use of several large tomatoes."
I had a craving for garden-fresh tomatoes on Sunday, so I drove 15 minutes across town to buy some. I got six giant beefsteak tomatoes from the farmers' market. Four days later I am down to one not-very-ripe tomato. Hey, I'm getting my lycopene. I mentioned last night that the last tomato wasn't ripe, so my darling husband went to a different farmers' market where they tantalized his taste buds with already-sliced tomatoes in salt mixed with onions. It turns out that he purchased twelve very large tomatoes from the farmer. Smart marketing on their part!
I'm starting to feel like Bubba Gump and his shrimp rhetoric, though...so far I've had sliced tomatoes with salt, sliced tomatoes marinated in balsamic vinegar and topped with mozzarella cheese, chopped tomatoes in fresh home-made guacamole, diced tomatoes marinated with garlic & olive oil and then tossed into angel-hair pasta, sliced tomatoes on a BLT sandwich, sliced tomatoes on a scrambled egg sandwich...I'm not sure what tomato dish or dishes I will concoct tonight, but I am sure they will be delicious...and rich in lycopene.
Monday, June 12, 2006
Ha. Dinner is now a charred mess lying in the bottom of the trashcan and the apartment smells like burned beef.
Sunday, June 11, 2006
Monday, June 05, 2006
I threw a baby shower for a dear friend last Saturday afternoon. I ordered a cake from my favorite bakery and described over the phone what I wanted. A couple of weeks prior to ordering this cake, the same bakery had made the cake below for a coworker/friend of mine and I mentioned that. The man taking my order said he remembered the cake and they could do it again, no problem.
Here was my friend/coworker's cake -
and here is what I ended up with -
Yes, ladies & gents, that is a giant baby head growing out of the lower right-hand corner of the cake. YIKES! I lied when I picked it up and the baker showed it to me, "OH, that's cute!" I hope my facial expression did not give away the fact that I was, indeed, horrified.
Fortunately, I know a little bit about fashioning 3-D babies from fondant (though I swear I could have used Fimo clay and no one would have known, as the baby I made ended up in the trash can after the shower...I mean, who really LIKES to eat fondant?!), so I was able to rescue the cake and restore it to a likeness of my original vision.
Oh, and in case you're wondering...yes, I did eat the baby head. But by the time I managed to remove it from the cake, it no longer resembled a head. No, as I was removing it, it fell apart (could have had something to do with the not-so-strategic places I had stuck two forks to try and lift the head off the cake), so by the time it made it to the plate, it was a heap of cake and frosting in no recognizable form. However, I am still quite thankful that the head was not made from red velvet cake.
Monday, May 29, 2006
And then later this afternoon, I was in the grocery store and spotted a man wearing a t-shirt that stated the following, "You'd better buy me another beer because your still ugly." Your still ugly WHAT? Dude, you'd better have another beer because you're still stupid!!!
Sunday, May 28, 2006
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
So you can imagine my horror when I pulled up to the drive-thru speaker at Taco Bell and got a whiff of the COW MANURE FERTILIZER that had just been placed on the plants below the order box. The smell was so strong it made me gag and I thought I was going to lose my afternoon snack right there. Ooof. I know Taco Bell isn't known for its great-smelling food, but cow manure is carrying it a touch too far.
The good news is that my burrito didn't taste anything like the fertilizer.
Monday, May 15, 2006
Picture to follow this evening, hopefully. Sadly, Sprint PCS picture mail is currently down for routine maintenance (shouldn't that be done at some early morning hour when most of their users are sleeping?!). I am supposed to try again later.
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
Monday, May 01, 2006
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
First on the menu was going to be chicken caesar tortellini salad, which consists of green leaf lettuce, three-cheese tortellini, pre-cooked southwest chicken strips (I hate dealing with raw poultry unless absolutely necessary), light caesar dressing, and freshly grated parmesan cheese. The lettuce was about a week old, wilted and browning, so I threw it out.
Then I thought I would make home-made pizza, so I pulled out the Boboli thin crust, put it on the pizza stone, preheated the oven to 450° (relying on my oven thermometer and not the thermostat), pulled out the bottled pizza sauce, and went looking for the mozzarella cheese, only to find we had none. For a very brief moment I considered using the Mexican blend cheese we had, but thought better.
I bagged up the pizza crust and went on to plan number three - boil the tortellini and make spaghetti sauce using the seasoning packet and an 8 ounce can of tomato sauce. Well, unless you really like the flavor of junior high cafeteria spaghetti sauce, I do not recommend creating your spaghetti sauce this way. For the record, when I do make spaghetti, I use my mom's recipe, which is much fancier and thicker than tomato sauce with some spices thrown in. I poured the spaghetti sauce down the drain and desperation set in.
I had tortellini already cooked, drained, and sitting waiting for the right sauce. I went hunting through the fridge trying to find a suitable complement to the pasta. Mayonnaise? No. Ketchup? Ugh. BBQ Sauce? Are you nuts? My eyes finally settled on a small jar of pesto tucked into a corner of the fridge. I scooped a quarter cup into a bowl, added a tablespoon of water, stirred to mix it up, and then threw it on top of the tortellini. I added the freshly grated parmesan cheese, and voila! We had dinner. It was quite yummy, though I know it wasn't the healthiest thing I could have made.
Saturday, April 15, 2006
From costco.com -
TimeMug is a fusion of fashion and function. Ideal for both hot and cold beverages, the 16oz capacity and cup holder-friendly shape makes for a perfect companion on the go.
TimeMug has an airtight, liquid-tight and heat resistant seal engineered to protect the Swiss movement timepiece. TimeMug also features a rubber-sealing lid, slide tab, stainless steel interior and a non-slip, scratch-resistant base.
Set of two, 16oz TimeMugs
Colors: Apple Green and Christian Blue, Aria Pink and Paloma Purple or Alfonso Black and Original Clear
Top rack dishwasher safe, hand washing recommended
The colors are reminiscent of the ipod Minis. Why it's useful to have a clock inside your travel coffee mug will always remain a mystery to me.
A remarkable 5.08 ct princess cut one-of-a-kind diamond ring in a platinum tiffany setting.
Weight: 5.08 ct
Clarity: Internally Flawless (IF)
Color: Near Colorless (G)
Available in size 7; sizeable to any size (Costco does not provide this service)
This diamond comes with a Summation Of Appraisal certificate from the International Gemological Institute (IGI). This is to certify that the diamond described above is genuine, and has been independently examined in the laboratories of IGI.
What amazes me about this ring is that it carries a price tag of $86,999.99! I understand the rarity of such a large cut diamond being internally flawless, but my word. $86,999.99 would feed a lot of starving people!
Sunday, April 09, 2006
Saturday, April 08, 2006
Thursday, April 06, 2006
well, this was the only one that really impressed me, though there were some other funny ones out there. I grew weary of looking pretty quickly.
In the last month I have heard coworkers say the following to her:
"You're still here?" in an incredulous voice (no, I'm really invisible and you're hallucinating again)
"You're so BIG!" (yeah, every woman wants to hear this one. Someone did NOT read Dale Carnegie's book, How to Win Friends and Influence People)
"I want to see how big you are now!" (see comment above)
My word, people...didn't your mom teach you that if you don't have something kind to say, don't say anything?
I have a feeling I'm going to be a very mean, irritable, snappy, says-what-she-thinks-when-she-thinks-it pregnant woman some day. I am so ordering this shirt, too.
Monday, April 03, 2006
We drove past a nail salon on our way back to my parents' house from dinner. The marquee out front said, “We have friendly nail techs.” I guess that was probably more effective than, "Our nail techs are rude."
Fazoli’s is now hiring smiles.
Here is what is printed on my my chopsticks wrapper.
On one side - "Welcome to Chinese Restaurant. Please try your Nice Chinese Food With Chopsticks the traditional and typical of Chinese glonous history and cultural."
On the other side - "Learn how to use your chopsticks. Tuk under tnurnb and held firmly. Add second chcostick and hold it as you hold a pencil. Hold tirst chopstick in original position move the second one up and down now you can pick up anything:"
Friday, March 31, 2006
Tailgating me will not make me drive faster. If anything, I will slow down or tap my brakes at you. I can only go as fast as the car in front of me, and I will not tailgate them in an attempt to make them tailgate the person in front of them to get them to increase their speed.
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
Also love this one, but $90 is steep for a dress for which I have no occasion to wear.
This says grandma to me, but the watch is cool.
This is absolutely fantastic.
Ugh! A good friend MADE me try this style of top on during one of our shopping excursions. I daresay it is not a flattering look for anyone.
Not sure why, but I think this shoe is fantastic.
I have no words.
And the one they don't have a pic of on their website is of the wrap knit top. It's very unusual. It looks like a halter top with a lot of extra fabric at the waist that you can tie around you in various ways to get different looks.
I want to crack some joke about not thinking outside the box...but I shall refrain.
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
Monday, March 27, 2006
I don't get why people use "an" in front of the words history and historic.
The Advantage Storage place will provide parking spaces for resident managers. As seen on their marquee sign,
"Resident managers needed
Parking spaces available."
Friday, March 24, 2006
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
There are two posts on our wanted/for-sale board at work.
"My husband has outgrown some shorts that we just bought last summer. They are all size 32 and hardly worn."
"For Sale Rocker/Vibrating seat $15.00. I bought this after my husband almost sat on my newborn daughter...I used to put her on the couch wrapped in a blanket."
Nothing says love and respect like, "My husband's getting fat," and "I'm married to a moron."
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
I pressed 2. I wonder if my hold time would be shorter had I pressed 1.
"All customer service reps are busy. You will hear music* until a representative is available. Your call is VERY important to us. Please do not hang up."
*It should also say, "This annoying message will be repeated every 30 seconds in an effort to drive you crazy. We really do want you to hang up, so we're trying to annoy you."
Monday, March 20, 2006
Sunday, March 19, 2006
The PAPER flyer below was inside one of the ValuPak coupon mailers. You know, the ones that trick you into opening them by saying, "This envelope could contain a $50 gift certificate!" Could is obviously the operative word. I didn't open the envelope so much because of the possibility of a mysterious $50 gift certificate as much as the possibility of a buy one entree, get one free at any local dining establishment.
Oh, the irony.
And I'm so glad I did.
There is some amazingly craptacular stuff in this catalog! As I looked through it, I just laughed and laughed. I was in tears by the time I turned to the last page. Below are some of my favorite items.
as seen on http://www.harrietcarter.com/
$14.98 (2 for $28.50)
Eye-Catching "Tree Face" puts a friendly smile in your yard! Realistically rendered in textured "bark", this set of facial features is sure to charm all who pass by. Your "cheery" tree will become the talk of the neighborhood! Eyes, nose and mouth are each approximately 4" with attached hangers.
Friendly? More like creepy. Trees shouldn't have faces. And you betcha your tree will become the talk of the neighborhood...and possibly an item for discussion on the agenda of the next HOA meeting.
$9.98 Now $5.50 Now 2 for $10.50
Look how time flies! Friends, family, co-workers - they'll all be laughing when they see this crazy novelty clock whizzing through the air with its wings flapping and its hands spinning furiously around the dial! Suspend from any ceiling with included hardware, give it a gentle push and watch time fly! Not a working timepiece - this one is just for laughs. 5" H with 13" wingspan. Uses 2 AA batteries (not included).
My favorite thing about this one is that the clock doesn't actually work.
is an essential tool for the home stylist! Cape resembles an inverted umbrella to catch clippings as you trim, so neck, clothes and floor are protected. Special upturned “lip” along outer edge contains loose hairs until you’re ready to discard them, saves you time during clean-up—no tedious sweeping or vacuuming needed! Slips over head and secures with self-close tabs; adjusts to fit neck size. Folds to store. Nylon. 22" diam.
Reminds me of the lamp shade collars that dogs get to keep them from licking wounds.
Slimming Shapers™ smooth the way to a trimmer-looking figure! Clothes will fit better as trouble spots are minimized. Control begins just below your bra to just above the knee. Well-placed support panels provide extra lift exactly where you want it most, without binding. Nylon/Spandex blend. Order by hip size: Small (34-38"), Med. (36-42"), Large (40-46"), XL (44-50"), XXL (48-54"). Imported.
Is anyone else convinced that the models are two different people?
This one's not on the web any more, but fortunately I had clipped the item from the print catalog. The clip-art before and after pictures are so convincing I ordered three of them!
Thursday, March 16, 2006
3/10/06 - Dove chocolates are marketed to women, not men. I opened one up and the wrapper said, "Today is definitely a bubble bath day!" on it. The idea of a chocolate wrapper saying that to a man made me dissolve into a fit of giggles! It also brings to mind the Friends episode where Chandler discovers the beauty of the bubble bath.
3/13/06 AM - The writer of the Dove messages should be fired. This is so lame! "When two hearts race, they both win." Like, gag me with a pitchfork!
3/13/06 PM - Apparently it's another bubble bath day according to my afternoon Dove chocolate.
Dove chocolate in the morning, chocolate cake for lunch, Dove chocolate in the afternoon...my word. You'd think I was hormonal.
Oh, wait. I am.
3/14/06 So the Dove wisdom for the day is, "Be fearless." I was thinking I'd go stand in the middle of LBJ freeway at lunch.