Friday, March 31, 2006

Back OFF, Buster!!!

Tailgating me will not make me drive faster. If anything, I will slow down or tap my brakes at you. I can only go as fast as the car in front of me, and I will not tailgate them in an attempt to make them tailgate the person in front of them to get them to increase their speed.


Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Catalog window shopping

Love this dress but it is way too low cut for me.

Also love this one, but $90 is steep for a dress for which I have no occasion to wear.

This says grandma to me, but the watch is cool.

This is absolutely fantastic.

Ugh! A good friend MADE me try this style of top on during one of our shopping excursions. I daresay it is not a flattering look for anyone.

Not sure why, but I think this shoe is fantastic.

I have no words.

And the one they don't have a pic of on their website is of the wrap knit top. It's very unusual. It looks like a halter top with a lot of extra fabric at the waist that you can tie around you in various ways to get different looks.

$80 fruit!

A friend told me about these geometric marvels.

I want to crack some joke about not thinking outside the box...but I shall refrain.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

T minus ???

Why do people feel the need to ask a very pregnant woman (in this case, my coworker), "Counting down the days?"

She doesn't know what day she's counting to!


Consuming only the broth in hot n sour soup will result in your waiter laughing at you for not eating the stuff in the soup.

Fortune Cookie Says

"You are capable of tremendous creativity."

Thanks. Tell me something I don't know. :-)

Monday, March 27, 2006

Weekend Observations

The Fina convenience store on the southwest corner of Rosemeade and Midway is preparing tax returns.

I don't get why people use "an" in front of the words history and historic.

The Advantage Storage place will provide parking spaces for resident managers. As seen on their marquee sign,

"Resident managers needed
Parking spaces available."

Friday, March 24, 2006

1+2+3 = orange?

Could someone please explain to me how I managed to combine a whole wheat english muffin, honey roast peanut butter, and fat free cream cheese to get an almond flavoring?! None of those items had anything almond about them. Ew. I really don't like almonds, almond flavoring, or amaretto.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

C is for Cookie!

Mark Parisi is just delightful. I absolutely love his sense of humor. If you don't know who Mark Parisi is...check this out.

 - it has a great search feature, too!


Ladies, let's have a little respect for our husbands. Don't say things that don't build him up, even if he will never hear them!

There are two posts on our wanted/for-sale board at work.

"My husband has outgrown some shorts that we just bought last summer. They are all size 32 and hardly worn."

"For Sale Rocker/Vibrating seat $15.00. I bought this after my husband almost sat on my newborn daughter...I used to put her on the couch wrapped in a blanket."

Nothing says love and respect like, "My husband's getting fat," and "I'm married to a moron."


Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Another call to BCBS

"You have been randomly selected to complete a survey at the end of this call. Blah blah blah. If you wish to participate, press 1. If not, press 2."

I pressed 2. I wonder if my hold time would be shorter had I pressed 1.

"All customer service reps are busy. You will hear music* until a representative is available. Your call is VERY important to us. Please do not hang up."

*It should also say, "This annoying message will be repeated every 30 seconds in an effort to drive you crazy. We really do want you to hang up, so we're trying to annoy you."

Spellcheck is not trustworthy.

I just received an email asking me how expense reports can be submitted atomically to the user's supervisor.

Monday, March 20, 2006

More Dove "Wisdom"

"You know what? You look good in red."

Um, thanks...but I'm wearing pink and purple today.

Stupid color-blind candy wrapper.

Sunday, March 19, 2006

When is Arbor Day?

Here's another laugh from junk mail.

The PAPER flyer below was inside one of the ValuPak coupon mailers. You know, the ones that trick you into opening them by saying, "This envelope could contain a $50 gift certificate!" Could is obviously the operative word. I didn't open the envelope so much because of the possibility of a mysterious $50 gift certificate as much as the possibility of a buy one entree, get one free at any local dining establishment.

Oh, the irony.

People Will Spend Money on Anything

A while back we got a fabulous little piece of junk mail in the way of a Harriet Carter catalog. Since I'm always on the lookout for the perfect gifts for the various loved ones in our lives, I decided to peruse the catalog.

And I'm so glad I did.

There is some amazingly craptacular stuff in this catalog! As I looked through it, I just laughed and laughed. I was in tears by the time I turned to the last page. Below are some of my favorite items.

as seen on

$14.98 (2 for $28.50)
Eye-Catching "Tree Face" puts a friendly smile in your yard! Realistically rendered in textured "bark", this set of facial features is sure to charm all who pass by. Your "cheery" tree will become the talk of the neighborhood! Eyes, nose and mouth are each approximately 4" with attached hangers.

Friendly? More like creepy. Trees shouldn't have faces. And you betcha your tree will become the talk of the neighborhood...and possibly an item for discussion on the agenda of the next HOA meeting.

$9.98 Now $5.50 Now 2 for $10.50
Look how time flies! Friends, family, co-workers - they'll all be laughing when they see this crazy novelty clock whizzing through the air with its wings flapping and its hands spinning furiously around the dial! Suspend from any ceiling with included hardware, give it a gentle push and watch time fly! Not a working timepiece - this one is just for laughs. 5" H with 13" wingspan. Uses 2 AA batteries (not included).

My favorite thing about this one is that the clock doesn't actually work.

is an essential tool for the home stylist! Cape resembles an inverted umbrella to catch clippings as you trim, so neck, clothes and floor are protected. Special upturned “lip” along outer edge contains loose hairs until you’re ready to discard them, saves you time during clean-up—no tedious sweeping or vacuuming needed! Slips over head and secures with self-close tabs; adjusts to fit neck size. Folds to store. Nylon. 22" diam.

Reminds me of the lamp shade collars that dogs get to keep them from licking wounds.

Slimming Shapers™ smooth the way to a trimmer-looking figure! Clothes will fit better as trouble spots are minimized. Control begins just below your bra to just above the knee. Well-placed support panels provide extra lift exactly where you want it most, without binding. Nylon/Spandex blend. Order by hip size: Small (34-38"), Med. (36-42"), Large (40-46"), XL (44-50"), XXL (48-54"). Imported.

Is anyone else convinced that the models are two different people?

This one's not on the web any more, but fortunately I had clipped the item from the print catalog. The clip-art before and after pictures are so convincing I ordered three of them!

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Got Milk?

Using fat-free half and half in a protein smoothie will make said smoothie very, very thick.

Dove Chocolate Ramblings

3/10/06 - Dove chocolates are marketed to women, not men. I opened one up and the wrapper said, "Today is definitely a bubble bath day!" on it. The idea of a chocolate wrapper saying that to a man made me dissolve into a fit of giggles! It also brings to mind the Friends episode where Chandler discovers the beauty of the bubble bath.

3/13/06 AM - The writer of the Dove messages should be fired. This is so lame! "When two hearts race, they both win." Like, gag me with a pitchfork!

3/13/06 PM - Apparently it's another bubble bath day according to my afternoon Dove chocolate.

Dove chocolate in the morning, chocolate cake for lunch, Dove chocolate in the word. You'd think I was hormonal.

Oh, wait. I am.

3/14/06 So the Dove wisdom for the day is, "Be fearless." I was thinking I'd go stand in the middle of LBJ freeway at lunch.

Intuitive computers

While on hold with Blue Cross Blue Shield, I hear, "We are currently helping other callers with a similar problem." How do they know?! I swear, sometimes automated messages have been recorded to say the dumbest things.

What color?

When people describe something as being "lime green," which part of the lime do they mean? The inside is quite a different color from the outside, and you could also technically describe white as lime green, because of the pith between the rind and the pulp! White could also be described as lemon yellow or orange.