Merry Christmas!

In my stocking was a Burt's Bees outdoor survival kit. One of the items inside that kit was a bottle of "The Defender" Herbal Insect Repellent. On the side of the bottle label it says, "Burt's Bees Herbal Insect Repellent is safe enough to apply with confidence to children and pets." The very next line says, "Not tested on animals."

Baby Moses

I bought a Moses basket from Wal Mart for $25 plus shipping to use instead of a bassinette, since we don't really have the room for one.

I am very disappointed to say that the instructions tell me to "Keep basket away from running or standing water."

HELLO! It's a MOSES basket! Do they not know the story?

More instructions for dummies...

My South Beach Diet frozen dinner included the following directions on the box.
"DO NOT EAT PRODUCT WITHOUT COOKING."

Who does that?! Here, honey, suck on a frozen piece of chicken breast!


And "CAUTION: PRODUCT AND PACKAGING WILL BE HOT!"

Well no kidding, I just took it out of the HOT microwave!


I'm sad because I know there really are some people in the world that are THAT DUMB.

Chopped and Screwed!

I'm officially old. I had never heard this term until today. I downloaded a beautiful version of O Come, O Come Emmanuel from iTunes. It's by The Martins and is on their Light of the World album. And I went to play it, when it started skipping! It's digital, why is it skipping?! So I started searching the iTunes site for troubleshooting help and found this:

"A purchased song sounds bad.
If a specific song purchased from the iTunes Store sounds bad, please follow the steps below to submit the problem directly to Apple. Hip-Hop lovers: Make sure your song is not a "chopped and screwed" version. If there is an issue at a certain point in the song, to expedite your request, please tell us the time code where the problem appears."

I'm thankful they had the link to Wikipedia for the definition!

"Chopped and screwed (also known as screwed and chopped, slowed and throwed, Houston music, H-Town music, screw music, and screw) all refer to a technique of remixing hip hop music by slowing the tempo and applying various DJ techniques such as skipping beats, record scratching, stop-time, and sending portions of the music through stand-alone effects to make a "chopped-up" version of the original."

It did make me laugh that they had to put the Hip Hop disclaimer in their "song sounds bad" troubleshooting section.

Lost in Transit...

'Tis the season for online shopping, fa la la la la.....
When you're 8 months pregnant, the idea of dealing with hordes of people at the mall, or just walking through the mall is enough to make you crazy. So this year I've resorted to a lot of gift cards and online shopping.

Today, I received one of the many things I've ordered. Inside the box that contained the goods I ordered was a catalog, and inside the catalog was a slip of paper that held this customer service information.

"UPS Claims and Lost Packages:

If your package is lost in transit, please call us and we will track your package for you. If the package cannot be found, we can file a claim for the cost of the contents and send you a replacement."

I'm pretty sure that if my package were to be lost in transit, that helpful little slip of paper would have been lost right along with it.

Did you know that round things roll?!

I have a new exercise ball. I was reading the instructions last night and cracked up at the following instruction.

Mount, dismount, and change position on the ball slowly. Due to the round shape of the ball, it could roll out from under the user and cause injury.

Dangit...I expected this ball to be stationary at all times! I DEMAND A REFUND!

Impulses

I was in the 99 cent store at lunch today. As I was standing in line, I was looking at the various items they had hanging in the impulse aisle. Would you believe there was a box of condoms there?!

I can't decide which is better, the fact that the 99 cent store sells condoms, or the fact that they were in the impulse aisle.

Nothing says impulsive like buying condoms from the 99 cent store!!!

Check Your Labels!

Brad was getting an evening snack of Double Stuf Oreo cookies and was looking for milk in which to dip them. I told him there was a small container of whole milk somewhere in the fridge. He found it and brought it to me asking, "Is this frozen or just bad?" I looked at it and smelled it and it was fine, but it was unusually thick. It wasn't frozen, and it also wasn't milk. It was heavy whipping cream!!!

Let's Throw Money in the TRASH!

I just got an email from one of the many online photo publishing places. The email was advertising postage stamps that you can customize with your very own photo! Ooh. While it may seem like a good idea at first, I personally think you might as well take the $17.99 (the cost for 20 $0.39 stamps) and throw it directly in the trash can. That's where those cute photo stamps end up anyway - I mean, who wants to keep a tiny photo that has been marred by the stamp cancellation machine? Oh, look honey, Junior looks just like Grandpa with the inked mustache under his nose!

$17.99 for 20 stamps is nearly 90 cents per stamp! If you want to spend extra money on postage, why not buy the breast cancer stamps or another fundraising stamp where the extra cash goes toward a good cause?

\rant off

Bubba Gump Shrimp

Brad called me at work today and said, "Whatever you make for dinner should probably..."
and I finished his sentence off in my head, "...not require the use of the stovetop."

Nope. Glad I let him finish, because what he said next cracked me up. "...require the use of several large tomatoes."

I had a craving for garden-fresh tomatoes on Sunday, so I drove 15 minutes across town to buy some. I got six giant beefsteak tomatoes from the farmers' market. Four days later I am down to one not-very-ripe tomato. Hey, I'm getting my lycopene. I mentioned last night that the last tomato wasn't ripe, so my darling husband went to a different farmers' market where they tantalized his taste buds with already-sliced tomatoes in salt mixed with onions. It turns out that he purchased twelve very large tomatoes from the farmer. Smart marketing on their part!

I'm starting to feel like Bubba Gump and his shrimp rhetoric, though...so far I've had sliced tomatoes with salt, sliced tomatoes marinated in balsamic vinegar and topped with mozzarella cheese, chopped tomatoes in fresh home-made guacamole, diced tomatoes marinated with garlic & olive oil and then tossed into angel-hair pasta, sliced tomatoes on a BLT sandwich, sliced tomatoes on a scrambled egg sandwich...I'm not sure what tomato dish or dishes I will concoct tonight, but I am sure they will be delicious...and rich in lycopene.

Do NOT Attempt This at Home

You'd think that if my Best Loved Slow Cooker Recipes cook book said you could cook meatloaf in a crock pot, then you could.

Ha. Dinner is now a charred mess lying in the bottom of the trashcan and the apartment smells like burned beef.

Mmm yummy.

Here's the Sushi pic

I never got around to adding the picture to the sushi post, so here it is. Please ignore my shadow in the photo - I took the pic with my camera phone and was rather limited in my creative ability.

Worth a Thousand Words...

I learned a very important lesson last weekend over the value of visual images in communication.

I threw a baby shower for a dear friend last Saturday afternoon. I ordered a cake from my favorite bakery and described over the phone what I wanted. A couple of weeks prior to ordering this cake, the same bakery had made the cake below for a coworker/friend of mine and I mentioned that. The man taking my order said he remembered the cake and they could do it again, no problem.

Here was my friend/coworker's cake -
















and here is what I ended up with -















Yes, ladies & gents, that is a giant baby head growing out of the lower right-hand corner of the cake. YIKES! I lied when I picked it up and the baker showed it to me, "OH, that's cute!" I hope my facial expression did not give away the fact that I was, indeed, horrified.

Fortunately, I know a little bit about fashioning 3-D babies from fondant (though I swear I could have used Fimo clay and no one would have known, as the baby I made ended up in the trash can after the shower...I mean, who really LIKES to eat fondant?!), so I was able to rescue the cake and restore it to a likeness of my original vision.



Oh, and in case you're wondering...yes, I did eat the baby head. But by the time I managed to remove it from the cake, it no longer resembled a head. No, as I was removing it, it fell apart (could have had something to do with the not-so-strategic places I had stuck two forks to try and lift the head off the cake), so by the time it made it to the plate, it was a heap of cake and frosting in no recognizable form. However, I am still quite thankful that the head was not made from red velvet cake.

It's Not a Holiday for the Grammar Police

So B & I went to Cici's Pizza for lunch (do not ask me why because I'll just blame it on hormones). This Cici's is located in a strip mall. There is a hair salon a couple of doors down from the restaurant. The sign claimed that it was "Ken's Salon's." I turned to B and asked, "Ken's Salon's WHAT?"

And then later this afternoon, I was in the grocery store and spotted a man wearing a t-shirt that stated the following, "You'd better buy me another beer because your still ugly." Your still ugly WHAT? Dude, you'd better have another beer because you're still stupid!!!

Why do they do that?

I was on my way to shoot a wedding last night and drove through Burger King for my requisite hamburger to tide me over until I could grab a bite at the reception. The order box addressed me and a woman's voice said, "Welcome to Burger King! May I take your order?" So I placed my order, and then a man's voice confirmed what I had requested. Why do fast food companies feel the need to have a recording greet the person at the order box? Surely it can't be a labor cost issue. How much more trouble is it for a real person, the person actually taking my order, to greet me?

Olfactory nerves

I think one of the most clever marketing schemes of restaurant companies is to enable potential customers to smell their food from miles away. Subway fans their freshly baked bread scent outside the store. You can smell an Auntie Anne's Pretzels or a Cinnabon location from across the mall. And steak places have that great grilled smell emanating from the kitchen into the parking lot, making your mouth water before you ever set foot into the restaurant.

So you can imagine my horror when I pulled up to the drive-thru speaker at Taco Bell and got a whiff of the COW MANURE FERTILIZER that had just been placed on the plants below the order box. The smell was so strong it made me gag and I thought I was going to lose my afternoon snack right there. Ooof. I know Taco Bell isn't known for its great-smelling food, but cow manure is carrying it a touch too far.

The good news is that my burrito didn't taste anything like the fertilizer.

New Management

Just thought everyone should know that the sushi located at the United grocery store in Abilene, Texas on Buffalo Gap Road is under new management.

Picture to follow this evening, hopefully. Sadly, Sprint PCS picture mail is currently down for routine maintenance (shouldn't that be done at some early morning hour when most of their users are sleeping?!). I am supposed to try again later.

Useless instructions

My Tangerine Sours Altoids tin has the following sentence on it, "Replace lid between use."

Word Cloud

My word cloud from this blog, courtesy of www.snapshirts.com .

Instructions for Morons

I was cleaning out the crisper drawer in our refrigerator. This drawer is the width of the inside of the fridge and maybe 6" shy of the depth of the fridge. Printed on the bottom of the drawer was the following, "Hand wash with warm water and mild soap only. Do not put in dishwasher." Um, ok, well, the drawer wouldn't FIT into most dishwashers!

Good ol' home cookin'

A gourmet chef I am not. My favorite, well-used cookbook is called, "Desperation Dinners: Home-cooked meals for frantic families in 20 minutes flat." I have two friends who absolutely adore cooking and baking and have wonderful blogs detailing their various creations complete with yummy pictures that make me want to grab a fork and stab the monitor in an attempt to get a taste. Sadly, I am not one of these people and tonight's dinner was great evidence of that.

First on the menu was going to be chicken caesar tortellini salad, which consists of green leaf lettuce, three-cheese tortellini, pre-cooked southwest chicken strips (I hate dealing with raw poultry unless absolutely necessary), light caesar dressing, and freshly grated parmesan cheese. The lettuce was about a week old, wilted and browning, so I threw it out.

Then I thought I would make home-made pizza, so I pulled out the Boboli thin crust, put it on the pizza stone, preheated the oven to 450° (relying on my oven thermometer and not the thermostat), pulled out the bottled pizza sauce, and went looking for the mozzarella cheese, only to find we had none. For a very brief moment I considered using the Mexican blend cheese we had, but thought better.

I bagged up the pizza crust and went on to plan number three - boil the tortellini and make spaghetti sauce using the seasoning packet and an 8 ounce can of tomato sauce. Well, unless you really like the flavor of junior high cafeteria spaghetti sauce, I do not recommend creating your spaghetti sauce this way. For the record, when I do make spaghetti, I use my mom's recipe, which is much fancier and thicker than tomato sauce with some spices thrown in. I poured the spaghetti sauce down the drain and desperation set in.

I had tortellini already cooked, drained, and sitting waiting for the right sauce. I went hunting through the fridge trying to find a suitable complement to the pasta. Mayonnaise? No. Ketchup? Ugh. BBQ Sauce? Are you nuts? My eyes finally settled on a small jar of pesto tucked into a corner of the fridge. I scooped a quarter cup into a bowl, added a tablespoon of water, stirred to mix it up, and then threw it on top of the tortellini. I added the freshly grated parmesan cheese, and voila! We had dinner. It was quite yummy, though I know it wasn't the healthiest thing I could have made.

People will buy anything, part deux

From costco.com -



TimeMug is a fusion of fashion and function. Ideal for both hot and cold beverages, the 16oz capacity and cup holder-friendly shape makes for a perfect companion on the go.

TimeMug has an airtight, liquid-tight and heat resistant seal engineered to protect the Swiss movement timepiece. TimeMug also features a rubber-sealing lid, slide tab, stainless steel interior and a non-slip, scratch-resistant base.



Set of two, 16oz TimeMugs
Colors: Apple Green and Christian Blue, Aria Pink and Paloma Purple or Alfonso Black and Original Clear
Top rack dishwasher safe, hand washing recommended

***
The colors are reminiscent of the ipod Minis. Why it's useful to have a clock inside your travel coffee mug will always remain a mystery to me.

---

A remarkable 5.08 ct princess cut one-of-a-kind diamond ring in a platinum tiffany setting.
Platinum
Princess cut
Weight: 5.08 ct
Clarity: Internally Flawless (IF)
Color: Near Colorless (G)
Available in size 7; sizeable to any size (Costco does not provide this service)
This diamond comes with a Summation Of Appraisal certificate from the International Gemological Institute (IGI). This is to certify that the diamond described above is genuine, and has been independently examined in the laboratories of IGI.



What amazes me about this ring is that it carries a price tag of $86,999.99! I understand the rarity of such a large cut diamond being internally flawless, but my word. $86,999.99 would feed a lot of starving people!

Fine porcelain plastic

I have a pair of plastic sunglasses. On the inside of one earpiece is printed the following sentence, "Hand Polished China."

They're really light sunglasses to be made of china.

Best laid plans...

I spent an hour this evening diligently making out next week's lunch and dinner menus, planning my grocery list, clipping coupons, reviewing www.grocerygame.com to find the best deals, adding items to my Splash Shopper PDA software, only to arrive at Wal Mart and find that I had left the PDA in the synch cradle at home.

O2

While standing in line at Wal Mart this evening, I saw the following headline on the TV in the checkout line.

"White House mulls over regulating plant emissions."

I thought oxygen was good for the environment.

More Great Pregnancy T-Shirts

http://www.cafepress.com/buy/pregnancy/-/pv_design_details/pg_1/id_6445334/opt_/fpt_fXBa__DB___CXDc_Pz-X_7O__Dc/c_1/hlv_t

well, this was the only one that really impressed me, though there were some other funny ones out there. I grew weary of looking pretty quickly.

People Say the Dumbest Things

My poor coworker is 9 months pregnant. She's nearly 6 feet tall, and from the back you would never know she was about to be in labor at some point in the near future (she's due 4/15).

In the last month I have heard coworkers say the following to her:

"You're still here?" in an incredulous voice (no, I'm really invisible and you're hallucinating again)
"You're so BIG!" (yeah, every woman wants to hear this one. Someone did NOT read Dale Carnegie's book, How to Win Friends and Influence People)
"I want to see how big you are now!" (see comment above)

My word, people...didn't your mom teach you that if you don't have something kind to say, don't say anything?

I have a feeling I'm going to be a very mean, irritable, snappy, says-what-she-thinks-when-she-thinks-it pregnant woman some day. I am so ordering this shirt, too.

http://www.nappyhead.co.uk/acatalog/donotouchthebump.html

Weekend Observations # 2

I was attempting to pet a sun conure in a petstore this weekend. A man observing me says, “I’m getting away, his beak looks sharp. The same man 5 minutes later says, “How much are they?” $399.99 was the reply from the store clerk. The man said, “I’ll give you $350 for it right now.” Umm…ok. I don't think you need a bird, mister.

We drove past a nail salon on our way back to my parents' house from dinner. The marquee out front said, “We have friendly nail techs.” I guess that was probably more effective than, "Our nail techs are rude."

Fazoli’s is now hiring smiles.

Here is what is printed on my my chopsticks wrapper.

On one side - "Welcome to Chinese Restaurant. Please try your Nice Chinese Food With Chopsticks the traditional and typical of Chinese glonous history and cultural."

On the other side - "Learn how to use your chopsticks. Tuk under tnurnb and held firmly. Add second chcostick and hold it as you hold a pencil. Hold tirst chopstick in original position move the second one up and down now you can pick up anything:"

Back OFF, Buster!!!

Tailgating me will not make me drive faster. If anything, I will slow down or tap my brakes at you. I can only go as fast as the car in front of me, and I will not tailgate them in an attempt to make them tailgate the person in front of them to get them to increase their speed.

BE PATIENT!

Catalog window shopping

Love this dress but it is way too low cut for me.
http://www.newport-news.com/assets/prod_images/prod_5/6S1578A_5.jpg

Also love this one, but $90 is steep for a dress for which I have no occasion to wear.
http://www.newport-news.com/assets/prod_images/prod_5/6s0310a_5.jpg

This says grandma to me, but the watch is cool.
http://www.newport-news.com/assets/images/specialpages/wedding/0320_Wedding_04b.jpg

This is absolutely fantastic.
http://www.newport-news.com/assets/prod_images/prod_5/6s1776a_5.jpg

Ugh! A good friend MADE me try this style of top on during one of our shopping excursions. I daresay it is not a flattering look for anyone.
http://www.newport-news.com/assets/prod_images/prod_5/6s0725a_5.jpg

Not sure why, but I think this shoe is fantastic.
http://www.newport-news.com/assets/prod_images/prod_5/6s0072a_5.jpg

I have no words.
http://www.newport-news.com/assets/prod_images/prod_5/5s3294g_5.jpg

And the one they don't have a pic of on their website is of the wrap knit top. It's very unusual. It looks like a halter top with a lot of extra fabric at the waist that you can tie around you in various ways to get different looks.

$80 fruit!

A friend told me about these geometric marvels.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/asia-pacific/1390088.stm

I want to crack some joke about not thinking outside the box...but I shall refrain.

T minus ???

Why do people feel the need to ask a very pregnant woman (in this case, my coworker), "Counting down the days?"

She doesn't know what day she's counting to!

PSA

Consuming only the broth in hot n sour soup will result in your waiter laughing at you for not eating the stuff in the soup.

Fortune Cookie Says

"You are capable of tremendous creativity."

Thanks. Tell me something I don't know. :-)

Weekend Observations

The Fina convenience store on the southwest corner of Rosemeade and Midway is preparing tax returns.

I don't get why people use "an" in front of the words history and historic.

The Advantage Storage place will provide parking spaces for resident managers. As seen on their marquee sign,

"Resident managers needed
Parking spaces available."

1+2+3 = orange?

Could someone please explain to me how I managed to combine a whole wheat english muffin, honey roast peanut butter, and fat free cream cheese to get an almond flavoring?! None of those items had anything almond about them. Ew. I really don't like almonds, almond flavoring, or amaretto.

C is for Cookie!

Mark Parisi is just delightful. I absolutely love his sense of humor. If you don't know who Mark Parisi is...check this out.





















www.offthemark.com - it has a great search feature, too!

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Ladies, let's have a little respect for our husbands. Don't say things that don't build him up, even if he will never hear them!

There are two posts on our wanted/for-sale board at work.

"My husband has outgrown some shorts that we just bought last summer. They are all size 32 and hardly worn."

"For Sale Rocker/Vibrating seat $15.00. I bought this after my husband almost sat on my newborn daughter...I used to put her on the couch wrapped in a blanket."

Nothing says love and respect like, "My husband's getting fat," and "I'm married to a moron."

*sigh*

Another call to BCBS

"You have been randomly selected to complete a survey at the end of this call. Blah blah blah. If you wish to participate, press 1. If not, press 2."

I pressed 2. I wonder if my hold time would be shorter had I pressed 1.

"All customer service reps are busy. You will hear music* until a representative is available. Your call is VERY important to us. Please do not hang up."

*It should also say, "This annoying message will be repeated every 30 seconds in an effort to drive you crazy. We really do want you to hang up, so we're trying to annoy you."

Spellcheck is not trustworthy.

I just received an email asking me how expense reports can be submitted atomically to the user's supervisor.

More Dove "Wisdom"

"You know what? You look good in red."

Um, thanks...but I'm wearing pink and purple today.

Stupid color-blind candy wrapper.

When is Arbor Day?

Here's another laugh from junk mail.

The PAPER flyer below was inside one of the ValuPak coupon mailers. You know, the ones that trick you into opening them by saying, "This envelope could contain a $50 gift certificate!" Could is obviously the operative word. I didn't open the envelope so much because of the possibility of a mysterious $50 gift certificate as much as the possibility of a buy one entree, get one free at any local dining establishment.












Oh, the irony.

People Will Spend Money on Anything

A while back we got a fabulous little piece of junk mail in the way of a Harriet Carter catalog. Since I'm always on the lookout for the perfect gifts for the various loved ones in our lives, I decided to peruse the catalog.

And I'm so glad I did.

There is some amazingly craptacular stuff in this catalog! As I looked through it, I just laughed and laughed. I was in tears by the time I turned to the last page. Below are some of my favorite items.

as seen on http://www.harrietcarter.com/

$14.98 (2 for $28.50)
Eye-Catching "Tree Face" puts a friendly smile in your yard! Realistically rendered in textured "bark", this set of facial features is sure to charm all who pass by. Your "cheery" tree will become the talk of the neighborhood! Eyes, nose and mouth are each approximately 4" with attached hangers.

Friendly? More like creepy. Trees shouldn't have faces. And you betcha your tree will become the talk of the neighborhood...and possibly an item for discussion on the agenda of the next HOA meeting.

$9.98 Now $5.50 Now 2 for $10.50
Look how time flies! Friends, family, co-workers - they'll all be laughing when they see this crazy novelty clock whizzing through the air with its wings flapping and its hands spinning furiously around the dial! Suspend from any ceiling with included hardware, give it a gentle push and watch time fly! Not a working timepiece - this one is just for laughs. 5" H with 13" wingspan. Uses 2 AA batteries (not included).

My favorite thing about this one is that the clock doesn't actually work.

$7.98
is an essential tool for the home stylist! Cape resembles an inverted umbrella to catch clippings as you trim, so neck, clothes and floor are protected. Special upturned “lip” along outer edge contains loose hairs until you’re ready to discard them, saves you time during clean-up—no tedious sweeping or vacuuming needed! Slips over head and secures with self-close tabs; adjusts to fit neck size. Folds to store. Nylon. 22" diam.

Reminds me of the lamp shade collars that dogs get to keep them from licking wounds.

$19.98
Slimming Shapers™ smooth the way to a trimmer-looking figure! Clothes will fit better as trouble spots are minimized. Control begins just below your bra to just above the knee. Well-placed support panels provide extra lift exactly where you want it most, without binding. Nylon/Spandex blend. Order by hip size: Small (34-38"), Med. (36-42"), Large (40-46"), XL (44-50"), XXL (48-54"). Imported.

Is anyone else convinced that the models are two different people?

This one's not on the web any more, but fortunately I had clipped the item from the print catalog. The clip-art before and after pictures are so convincing I ordered three of them!

Got Milk?

Using fat-free half and half in a protein smoothie will make said smoothie very, very thick.

Dove Chocolate Ramblings

3/10/06 - Dove chocolates are marketed to women, not men. I opened one up and the wrapper said, "Today is definitely a bubble bath day!" on it. The idea of a chocolate wrapper saying that to a man made me dissolve into a fit of giggles! It also brings to mind the Friends episode where Chandler discovers the beauty of the bubble bath.

3/13/06 AM - The writer of the Dove messages should be fired. This is so lame! "When two hearts race, they both win." Like, gag me with a pitchfork!

3/13/06 PM - Apparently it's another bubble bath day according to my afternoon Dove chocolate.

Dove chocolate in the morning, chocolate cake for lunch, Dove chocolate in the afternoon...my word. You'd think I was hormonal.

Oh, wait. I am.

3/14/06 So the Dove wisdom for the day is, "Be fearless." I was thinking I'd go stand in the middle of LBJ freeway at lunch.

Intuitive computers

While on hold with Blue Cross Blue Shield, I hear, "We are currently helping other callers with a similar problem." How do they know?! I swear, sometimes automated messages have been recorded to say the dumbest things.

What color?

When people describe something as being "lime green," which part of the lime do they mean? The inside is quite a different color from the outside, and you could also technically describe white as lime green, because of the pith between the rind and the pulp! White could also be described as lemon yellow or orange.